Just a small update about what’s new;
Starting today, I am on a new medication which means the next 2 to 4 weeks will be a mix of withdrawal symptoms and new side effects *yay*
On the plus side, I just finished a new lego set. Looks nice alongside the others, don’t you think?
Oh and also, this blog now has a facebook page. But don’t expect much, I won’t do much with it other than link new posts.
And I am on Bloglovin’ now;
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Usually I don’t like the sort of “Top 5 tricks epic fail cute kittens compilation” lists that show up on blogs whenever the writer is out of ideas for a proper article. However, today I am the writer that is out of ideas, so that is what you will get.
One of the hardest parts of depression is that eventually hardly any topic can really excite you. Fascinating science? Meh. Beautiful art? Snore…
Sometimes I can use this as a measurement of how well I fell in a particular situation. I love to immerse myself in music, but when I am in a depressive phase I just can’t. It is nothing but annoying noise. However, there are a few things that almost always work, even if they don’t work as well as they would if I were healthy. One of those are really hot saunas. Another one are things that had moved me before my depression first started. Even during times where I was completely unable to cry, no matter how bad I felt, I cried like a baby while watching The Lion King, because I knew it since I was a child. And another thing that almost always works is sex.
Depression can have different effects on the libido, sometimes it completely kills it, sometimes it puts it into overdrive. In my case, sexuality is one of my few ways to combat my anxiety and depressive phases. Right now, my medication has side effects that make sex very difficult, nevertheless it is an important topic for me and I always knew that if I ever turned my idea of a blog into reality, I would write about sex. I generally have little shame talking about this subject, especially in an anonymous context. I hope none of my readers are put off by this, but since you read until this point, you seem to be fine.
As i mentioned in the beginning, I am out of ideas for a proper article right now, so here is a rather random list of suggestions for your sex life.
1. Don’t think about what you look like
While sex is a matter of practice, it is even more a matter of the mind. My most important tip is, don’t worry too much, especially about what you look like. There is nothing more distracting than trying to look “good”, and nothing sexier than someone that can let loose and just doesn’t care.
2. Wear socks
Traditionally, wearing socks is a big turn off, but it might be time to question this. Studies have shown that having warm feet increases the chances of an orgasm, so keep them on when you get it on.
3. Be observant
It is important not to be distracted by too much thinking, but one thing you should keep in mind is to observe your parnter(s). You don’t have to focus your attention on him/her all the time, in fact sometimes you should be able to focus on nothing but how it feels for you, but if you want it to feel good for all involved you should learn to notice certain cues. Watch facial expressions, body language, breathing, sometimes really small things can tell you what you should do next. While communication is key and you should always be able to tell your partner what you want, there is a certain magic in unspoken communication.
4. Lube
Many people think lube is only for anal sex or dryness but that is not true. Lube is awesome and you should always have a bottle ready.
5. Do your research
While improvisation and spontaneity are important, you should always be well prepared. Learn all about contraception, not only birth control but also about preventing STDs. Learn all you can about the anatomical details – both your partner’s as well as your own. Learn about differences of lube ingredients and ph levels, about compatibility with condoms or sex toy materials, about hygiene, in short, try to know everything there is to know. But remember, no matter how much you know, there is always something you don’t know. Always be empathic, respectful and kind.
I hate findings names for things. I started writing these blog entries before setting up the blog itself, so that I would not have to start with nothing. Right now I am looking for a name for it. Found a good one. Google it just to be safe aaaand of course it is taken. Damn. Back to the drawing board. But since you are reading this, I found a name eventually. So hurray for that.
I also want to thank the person that encouraged me to start this blog. You know who you are, thank you so much!
I went to a spa today. I love spas, especially saunas, but I have never been to this one before, which is why it was kind of a big deal for me. My social anxiety is always there, but especially hard in a new environment and going all on my own did not help. But that actually was not the hard part because at least no one bats an eye in a spa if I don’t talk to anyone. The hard part is something I can only describe as the feeling of defeat. Today I did something that is hard for me, something I wanted to do for quite some time and when I did, I enjoyed it. But now that I am at home, it doesn’t feel like a success. It feels like a defeat, it feels as if I somehow lost, was not good enough at enjoying myself. Sure, it was not as fun as it would have been with a friend, sure, I only did three rounds in the sauna instead of the four I was planning on but still, there is no good reason why I feel this way and yet I do.
This feeling is one of the things you don’t expect from depression. It does not really show up in any medical textbook or anything like that, at least not in a way that makes me feel like it is described accurately. Depression makes it difficult to enjoy things and this is true in my case too. Healthy me would have had a lot more fun. But that is not the problem, I did have fun. Maybe not everyone with depression has this feeling, maybe it isn’t even my depression but another issue. All I know is it sucks. But at least I am aware of it. There were times when this feeling made me do stupid things, like drink, make impulse purchases or do other things that would make me happy temporarily, just so that I could look back at my day in the evening and think “Yes, good one”. Of course acting this way catches up with you eventually, one way or another. Now I know that it is best to ignore this nagging feeling and simply try to have a good evening. Even when it feels like I lost the battle of the day.
For my first “proper” entry I thought I would write about something that is quite often the topic of blogs or AMAs when it comes to mental illnesses, which is simply “If there was one thing you wish people understood about mental illness, what would it be?” Most people would assume that I wish others could understand what it feels like but that is not what I will write about.
For one straight up describing what depression feels will always fall short of the real thing. Describing what an experience feels like is only possible if you can relate it to another experience that your reader has experienced as well. I can describe red by saying red is the colour of this or that. In the case of depression, I could talk about some symptoms like sadness, lack of motivation, lack of emotion, hopelessness and so on or use colourful metaphors and what not. But in the end, it would be a hopeless endeavour. And secondly, even if it were possible, I don’t want anyone else to feel what it is like because I don’t want anyone to experience something like this.
After a while I realised that the first thing I wish people understood was something that took me some time to understand as well, which is that mental illnesses are not something normal taken to an extreme. That sounds pretty nonsensical but bear with me. Many symptoms of mental illnesses are often viewed as character traits, character flaws or emotions that healthy people have as well. Sadness is a symptom of depression, but healthy people experience it too. Lack of motivation is a symptom of depression, but healthy people experience it too. Shyness is a symptom of social anxiety, but healthy people experience it too – some of them at least. For one this is bad because it is often the source of misunderstandings. Healthy people believe they can understand what a mental illness feels like, even though they cannot. Sometimes it is also the source of some of the stigmata that surround mental illness, such as someone with burnout being called lazy or someone with PTSD being called weak.
Thankfully, most outsiders understand over time that they can in fact not understand what it feels like (which doesn’t mean you can’t sympathize) and that it is inaccurate to believe someone with mental illness is weak or does not have enough willpower to overcome it. Often they do so simply because they realise that the intensity, the “quantity” of it all is far greater than anything someone healthy experiences. It hits you like a sledgehammer and trying to “outtough” it is as absurd as trying to stop a tornado with your fist. But that is only a part of the whole story. The most important thing that I wish people would understand about mental illness is that emotions or character traits that are part of a mental illness are completely separate and different from the normal emotions or traits of said person. The idea that someone melancholic is sad and someone depressed is simply “extra sad” or the idea someone shy is shy but someone with social anxiety is “extra shy” is completely wrong. Mental illnesses are not something normal taken to the extreme. Depression can strike the happiest person in the world, social anxiety the most outgoing person in the world.
Another problem is that separating person and illness is not only hard for an outsider, it is often hard for the affected themselves. I once had a friend explain to me that she didn’t want to get better because she was afraid she would lose herself, her identity. A severe mental illness takes over every part of your life, it overwrites everything you are, rests over you like a veil and only outlines and contours of your true self are visible. And when this lasts for years, you eventually forget how it feels without it and who you are without it. When I had my first better phase since my depression began I noticed myself reverting back to behaviours I had not shown in years, character traits that I believed had gone away simply as time moved on suddenly re-emerged. Experiencing this can be truly frightening but it can also be really important. If you are afraid of what you might become if you get better, remember that you are not your illness. Try to stop associating yourself with it and don’t believe that there is any reason to hold on to it. And if you do get better, you will not lose but in fact rediscover who you are.
I suppose every blog has to start with something, so my first entry will be about this blog itself. Writing a blog is an idea that has been stuck in my head for a while now. I suppose we all have this sort of inner monologue from time to time and often I found myself writing a blog entry in my head about this or that.
Actually doing it is still quite a step for me because I am usually not the type of person that can commit to hobbies or other optional (for lack of a better word) projects for a longer period of time. In my case, it is mostly linked to my depression but maybe some of you are familiar with doing something you enjoy but the more time, effort and sometimes money you put into it, the more it starts to feel like a burden. Not because it isn’t fun anymore or because time and money are short but because you have more and more to lose if you stop.
I used to collect minerals. I still like looking at them but most of the time all I see is yet another thing that was unfinished, that I failed at, that requires cleaning or other maintenance that I don’t feel up to. I loved archery, I played piano and keyboard in a band, sang in a choir, I read books day and night, played video games, was in a swimming team and did many other things that you can immerse yourself in. But ultimately, I stopped everything and I felt defeated every time. Some things are easier to do infrequently, I still read books and I plan to do it more often but other things require regular practice and effort.
This blog is my attempt to do something that could be called productive instead of wasting away passively consuming one tv show after another without making a commitment that eventually feels like the sword of Damocles dangling over my head. And maybe some people out there will enjoy it or recognise themselves in it.
Depression
Depression and Anxiety will be a frequent topic, I plan to write about both my life with depression as well as mental illness in general.
Philosophy
While I had to leave my degree in Philosophy unfinished due to my condition, I am still very interested in it and on occasion I might write a short philosophical text that will hopefully but probably won’t be understandable and interesting.
Random Ranting
Every once in a while, I might post an angry tirade about tiny insignificant issues that just drive me nuts for some reason.
Moments of my life
I don’t plan to make this the sort of “I just had lunch #checkoutthesescones”-type of blog that was very popular in the early days of user-generated internet content but from time to time, I will write about bizarre or otherwise noteworthy moments of my life, such as the time my apartment building was taken over by punks.
Anything else
Food, Sex, Tea, Music, Relationships, Lego and anything else that takes my fancy may or may not be on this blog one day. No promises though.
The Metaphorical of Delphi 