One of the things depression has up its sleeves to get you down is a constant feeling of inadequacy. Take my last post for example, The -lessness. It was supposed to be about all the things that depression takes away but in the end, it focuses mostly on emotion and motivation. I should have written about so much more, like sleeplessness, lack of confidence and so on. I also don’t think I fully captured what I wanted to say. If you already know what I mean you might understand but if you don’t then I am not sure I made it clear. And the different sections don’t flow into each other naturally and some wordings just sound weird. Every time I read it I could kick myself. I understand that mostly it’s the old “Depression lies” but understanding it and feeling it are two different things.
And if it wasn’t enough, this is where my anxiety kicks in. What if it is the first post someone reads on this blog and decides to move on because of it? It is yet another entry about mental health. What about readers that are interested in my other topics? What if the readers I already have decide that this blog isn’t worth it after all?
For someone else this might be a reason to do better next time, but my lack of energy makes it hard for me to imagine a next time. And my pessimism tells me I won’t do better. And my guilt tells me how horrible it would be to leave yet another project unfinished.
And so, all the different aspects of my depression work together like a clockwork of misery.
But it is possible to disrupt it. Right now, I am trying to make amends by writing this post, and maybe it will make me feel better. And if not, at least I tried. Sometimes trying and failing makes me feel even worse than not trying, but in the end, I don’t see what else I could do. Often I don’t have the strength to try, but I have learned it is important to forgive myself for that.
The Metaphorical of Delphi 