The -lessness

Usually, medical descriptions of mental health problems are pretty cut and dry, and they should be. They should not require an elaborate explanation, they should be short and easily understandable. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, such a depiction will never truly capture what a mental illness feels like, making it all the more important for healthcare professionals to possess a certain degree of empathy, so that they can look beyond the buzzwords of their textbooks and really understand the patients in front of them.
While many mental health blogs are littered with stories of being horribly misunderstood by the ones that are actually supposed to help us, I am not writing about that today – not for lack of having experienced my own share of thick-headed doctors, believe me.

Today I want to talk about a description of depression so accurate that it is all the more impressive it came from a doctor, which is “die Krankheit der -Losigkeit”. Roughly translated it means “the sickness of -lessness” or “the sickness of lack of”.
Most people know that depression includes a lack of happiness but it is more than that. While depression includes phases of panic, anxiety and sadness, sometimes it just makes you completely numb.

Someone who has never experienced this kind of indifference might believe that while not ideal, it is at least better than raging agony but in fact it is its own kind of horror. Obviously being sad is not a good thing but it is something intense, something that makes you feel alive. Feeling pain gives you a sense of direction, something to escape from.
Depression entails a lack of motivation and while part of that stems from the fact that depression sucks all energy out of you, there is another aspect to it. Just as much as energy, motivation requires some kind of goal. But when indifference is all you feel, there is no point to any goal. There is no point to anything. If you don’t feel anything, there is no reason for you to do anything.

Depression does not just make you feel bad, it takes away all meaning. All struggles and strivings, trials and triumphs, victories and failures, all the highs and lows that make up a full life, they all mean nothing if you are depressed. It really is the lack of everything.

Dots and Strings

Am I significant? I suppose most people have asked themselves this question at some point. When we are caught up in our everyday lives everything revolves around us. But every once in a while we experience something that gives us a different perspective. Perhaps some of you have viewed the ground from a plane and noticed how small we are compared to the world we inhabit, or looked up to the stars and remembered how tiny our enormous planet is in comparison to the vast emptiness that surrounds it.

There are many fancy graphics that illustrate just how tiny we are but to me the most stunning demonstration of our place in the cosmos is called “Pale Blue Dot”, a photograph of earth taken by the Voyager 1 space probe.

Pale_Blue_Dot

If you can’t find earth at first, it is the little bright spot halfway down the right-hand sunray. Magnificent, isn’t it? The astronomer Carl Sagan once gave a speech at Cornell University about this picture that I believe should always accompany it.

We succeeded in taking that picture, and, if you look at it, you see a dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there – on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light.

[…] To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world.

Contemplating on this, I suppose it is hard to feel truly significant. We might as well feel high and mighty about being the rulers of a grain of sand.

However, significance is not an absolute property but a relation. Nothing is or isn’t significant, it is always significant in relation to something else. Are we significant in relation to how the Milky Way is rotating around itself over the course of 250 million years? Of course not. But why would this be the ultimate frame of reference?

If we wanted, we could go in the opposite direction. We don’t know yet what the smallest building blocks of our universe are, maybe fermions and bosons, strings and branes, quantum gravity loops or something far more exotic. But we do know that the basic structures which comprise all that exists are so minuscule that even atomic nuclei are as big to them as galactic clusters are to us. Every atom of every molecule of every substance that we consist of is as complex as an entire universe in itself.

Each of the trillions of cells that make up your body is a speck of life on its own, showing all traits that we proud ourselves on to distinguish us from the dead matter surrounding us. And all these lives form you, a life of your own, distinct yet identical to all of those beings that are created and annihilated constantly during every second of your existence.
Not only that, your body is host to an unfathomable amount of microorganisms. For all of them, you are their home, their breeding ground, their safe haven, as essential to them as the earth is to us. But they not only live off of you, they take part in and regulate processes that keep your body functioning, from your gut flora to the protective coating on your skin. Together, all of this forms a biosphere, a true superorganism, or in other words – you.

These two views do not conflict each other. We are both entirely insignificant and incredibly important, depending on what it is we are talking about. There is no need to spend time thinking about which one is more accurate, because there is no contradiction.

Instead, consider how reflecting on our place in this universe changes the way you think. You see, when I quoted Carl Sagan earlier I omitted one sentence about the Pale Blue Dot:

To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

How about you? How did all of this make you feel? Did it inspire you to change the way you treat the ones around you?

Nothing to tea here

After I wrote my last entry while being seriously down, I thought I would write this one on a high note. While I planned this blog to be about a variety of topics I mostly wrote about depression so far but today, we are talking about tea. So if you are not interested in that, move oolong, nothing to tea here.

Did I mention I love bad puns?

Anyway, I bought some jasmine tea today. What surprised me about jasmine tea is the way it is scented. The most obvious way to add additional flavours to tea is to add more ingredients. Want some mintyness in your green tea? Add mint leaves.

However this does not work with every type of flavouring, only the ones that are water-soluble enough. Beyond that one can use essential oils, artificial substances or even smoke. Making jasmine tea however is a lot more direct. After the tea has been dried, it is mixed with freshly picked flowers either by direct blending or by spreading them out in alternating layers. At night the blossoms open and the partea is getting started.

Get it? Eh? Eh?

Since the tea is dry but the flowers are fresh, the tea absorbs the moisture and along with it the jasmine fragrance. Maybe I am just too easy to entertain but isn’t this neat? Such a low-tech solution! If well made, the result is a flavour that does not mask the taste of the base tea but rather complements it and brings you inner tranqulilitea.

Muhahaha… I’ll see myself out.

Captain Hope

My future is more uncertain than ever before. I am supposed to start a new line of work soon but time is running out and I am afraid I have myself to blame for the way it is going wrong. And even if it works out, I don’t know if I have the strength to pull it off. My family is frustrated, my meds aren’t balanced, things with my partner are not going well and life just generally sucks. I wanted to write a post entitled “Hopelessness” yesterday but it would probably just have consisted of “Yes”.

Some writers have the talent to present their readers with a new perspective on life, one that doesn’t sound like a stale pep talk but instead gives us strength to keep going, not because we fear what follows us but because we desire what lies ahead. I could try to capture this spirit but right now, my guilt makes me reject all thoughts that would lighten the burden. I really am in trouble and it is my fault. I have strategies that might make me feel less terrible but I feel like I deserve feeling terrible.

If any of you are in a similar position, remember the old saying “Depression lies”. Depression has a way of always making life appear grimmer than it is. That is very exhausting in itself, but it becomes really problematic whenever you start believing it and basing your decisions on it. Neither you nor I deserve to feel terrible. And even if you are in trouble, being miserable will not help to change that. Recalling this might not be helpful immediately, but it might help with using your own strategies, whatever they may be.

Sometimes really unexpected things help to break your negative train of thought. I tried categorizing my posts and accidentally emptied two of them. If I had deleted them, no problem, deleted posts can be restored with one click. But I somehow updated my posts to be empty and everything in it was gone. You might scold me for not having backups, but silly me believed my web hosting service would take care of that. I mean what the hell, you can update a post but you can’t revert to previous versions? That is a basic feature! And how did that happen in the first place? I never deleted anything!

At first I felt even more terrible but somehow, the anger that surfaced after I realised that my work was really gone and my host had not accounted for something like that helped me to refocus. This post was going to be really short and without any hope but now it is longer and at least a little upbeat. Even though I feel like I took a too deep of a dig into the cliché drawer.

Stigmadee, Stigmadum

Writing about the stigma attached to mental health problems is the 101 of mental health blogs, to the point that it is hard to say anything that hasn’t been said a hundred times already. While the situation is still bad, a broad front ranging from healthcare providers to patients, from relatives to celebrities is trying to raise awareness and more importantly, to educate the general public.

While this is definitely a good thing, it can sometimes lead to unintended results. I remember a conversation at a family get-together somehow shifting to a person I didn’t know and someone saying “no, she no longer has that job, she had a burnout”. With a condescending expression, one of my aunts said: “Burnout? From what?”

That was not the usual prejudice one would expect. If that conversation had taken place a few years earlier, the reaction might have been something along the lines of “oh she should just get it together”. But it wasn’t, because my aunt knew what burnout is, what causes it and that you can’t just dismiss it. And yet she managed to react in a way that makes my toenails curl up. She didn’t think bad of that person because having a burnout is a sign of weakness, she thought bad of that person because she apparently didn’t earn her burnout by hard work. The more I think about it, the more I think that this is a far worse reaction.

I am not even going to elaborate about how everyone with an illness deserves empathy, no matter how they got it. I am not going to elaborate on how what is perceived as a burden by one person is perceived differently by another.
What really grinds my gears about this is how an illness is seen as an achievement. Got burnout? Yeah that sucks, but at least it shows you are a hard worker! Well done! You got burnout? Well you don’t deserve that, you cheater!

There are just so many things wrong with that. First off, the idea itself is disgusting. It turns suffering from something that should be alleviated into a commodity that is needed to justify emotions or mental states. Secondly, this type of pressure environment is part of what drives people into burnout in the first place. Thirdly, this can lead to the idea that only people that have “earned” their suffering deserve help, treatment and empathy. And finally, this type of thinking can be expanded onto almost everything. You have depression? You never had it bad enough to warrant that! You have PTSD? What did you experience that was sooo traumatic?

We often hear complaints about how we live in a performance-based society that makes everything revolve around how much you can accomplish, that dehumanizes us by devaluating all other aspects of our individuality. But in many ways we have moved beyond that and live in a suffering-based society, where your status and your rights are dependent on how much damage you are willing to take, how much agony you are willing to put up with. This type of thinking is not just related to mental illness, this concerns everyone!

I guess I should end with some sort of solution. Well there is no simple solution to changing the ways of thinking of one person, let alone an entire society. I could end it with the old “If you want change, change yourself first” but I have an irrational aversion to these types of motto calendar catchphrases. I dunno, I guess thanks for reading and maybe thinking about it.

Small Update

Just a small update about what’s new;

Starting today, I am on a new medication which means the next 2 to 4 weeks will be a mix of withdrawal symptoms and new side effects *yay*

On the plus side, I just finished a new lego set. Looks nice alongside the others, don’t you think?

Oh and also, this blog now has a facebook page. But don’t expect much, I won’t do much with it other than link new posts.
And I am on Bloglovin’ now;
Follow my blog with Bloglovin

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Slightly random Sex Suggestions

Usually I don’t like the sort of “Top 5 tricks epic fail cute kittens compilation” lists that show up on blogs whenever the writer is out of ideas for a proper article. However, today I am the writer that is out of ideas, so that is what you will get.

One of the hardest parts of depression is that eventually hardly any topic can really excite you. Fascinating science? Meh. Beautiful art? Snore…
Sometimes I can use this as a measurement of how well I fell in a particular situation. I love to immerse myself in music, but when I am in a depressive phase I just can’t. It is nothing but annoying noise. However, there are a few things that almost always work, even if they don’t work as well as they would if I were healthy. One of those are really hot saunas. Another one are things that had moved me before my depression first started. Even during times where I was completely unable to cry, no matter how bad I felt, I cried like a baby while watching The Lion King, because I knew it since I was a child. And another thing that almost always works is sex.

Depression can have different effects on the libido, sometimes it completely kills it, sometimes it puts it into overdrive. In my case, sexuality is one of my few ways to combat my anxiety and depressive phases. Right now, my medication has side effects that make sex very difficult, nevertheless it is an important topic for me and I always knew that if I ever turned my idea of a blog into reality, I would write about sex. I generally have little shame talking about this subject, especially in an anonymous context. I hope none of my readers are put off by this, but since you read until this point, you seem to be fine.

As i mentioned in the beginning, I am out of ideas for a proper article right now, so here is a rather random list of suggestions for your sex life.

1. Don’t think about what you look like
While sex is a matter of practice, it is even more a matter of the mind. My most important tip is, don’t worry too much, especially about what you look like. There is nothing more distracting than trying to look “good”, and nothing sexier than someone that can let loose and just doesn’t care.

2. Wear socks
Traditionally, wearing socks is a big turn off, but it might be time to question this. Studies have shown that having warm feet increases the chances of an orgasm, so keep them on when you get it on.

3. Be observant
It is important not to be distracted by too much thinking, but one thing you should keep in mind is to observe your parnter(s). You don’t have to focus your attention on him/her all the time, in fact sometimes you should be able to focus on nothing but how it feels for you, but if you want it to feel good for all involved you should learn to notice certain cues. Watch facial expressions, body language, breathing, sometimes really small things can tell you what you should do next. While communication is key and you should always be able to tell your partner what you want, there is a certain magic in unspoken communication.

4. Lube
Many people think lube is only for anal sex or dryness but that is not true. Lube is awesome and you should always have a bottle ready.

5. Do your research
While improvisation and spontaneity are important, you should always be well prepared. Learn all about contraception, not only birth control but also about preventing STDs. Learn all you can about the anatomical details – both your partner’s as well as your own. Learn about differences of lube ingredients and ph levels, about compatibility with condoms or sex toy materials, about hygiene, in short, try to know everything there is to know. But remember, no matter how much you know, there is always something you don’t know. Always be empathic, respectful and kind.