Month: February 2017

I went to a spa today. I love spas, especially saunas, but I have never been to this one before, which is why it was kind of a big deal for me. My social anxiety is always there, but especially hard in a new environment and going all on my own did not help. But that actually was not the hard part because at least no one bats an eye in a spa if I don’t talk to anyone. The hard part is something I can only describe as the feeling of defeat. Today I did something that is hard for me, something I wanted to do for quite some time and when I did, I enjoyed it. But now that I am at home, it doesn’t feel like a success. It feels like a defeat, it feels as if I somehow lost, was not good enough at enjoying myself. Sure, it was not as fun as it would have been with a friend, sure, I only did three rounds in the sauna instead of the four I was planning on but still, there is no good reason why I feel this way and yet I do.

This feeling is one of the things you don’t expect from depression. It does not really show up in any medical textbook or anything like that, at least not in a way that makes me feel like it is described accurately. Depression makes it difficult to enjoy things and this is true in my case too. Healthy me would have had a lot more fun. But that is not the problem, I did have fun. Maybe not everyone with depression has this feeling, maybe it isn’t even my depression but another issue. All I know is it sucks. But at least I am aware of it. There were times when this feeling made me do stupid things, like drink, make impulse purchases or do other things that would make me happy temporarily, just so that I could look back at my day in the evening and think “Yes, good one”. Of course acting this way catches up with you eventually, one way or another. Now I know that it is best to ignore this nagging feeling and simply try to have a good evening. Even when it feels like I lost the battle of the day.

For my first “proper” entry I thought I would write about something that is quite often the topic of blogs or AMAs when it comes to mental illnesses, which is simply “If there was one thing you wish people understood about mental illness, what would it be?” Most people would assume that I wish others could understand what it feels like but that is not what I will write about.

For one straight up describing what depression feels will always fall short of the real thing. Describing what an experience feels like is only possible if you can relate it to another experience that your reader has experienced as well. I can describe red by saying red is the colour of this or that. In the case of depression, I could talk about some symptoms like sadness, lack of motivation, lack of emotion, hopelessness and so on or use colourful metaphors and what not. But in the end, it would be a hopeless endeavour. And secondly, even if it were possible, I don’t want anyone else to feel what it is like because I don’t want anyone to experience something like this.

After a while I realised that the first thing I wish people understood was something that took me some time to understand as well, which is that mental illnesses are not something normal taken to an extreme. That sounds pretty nonsensical but bear with me. Many symptoms of mental illnesses are often viewed as character traits, character flaws or emotions that healthy people have as well. Sadness is a symptom of depression, but healthy people experience it too. Lack of motivation is a symptom of depression, but healthy people experience it too. Shyness is a symptom of social anxiety, but healthy people experience it too – some of them at least. For one this is bad because it is often the source of misunderstandings. Healthy people believe they can understand what a mental illness feels like, even though they cannot. Sometimes it is also the source of some of the stigmata that surround mental illness, such as someone with burnout being called lazy or someone with PTSD being called weak.

Thankfully, most outsiders understand over time that they can in fact not understand what it feels like (which doesn’t mean you can’t sympathize) and that it is inaccurate to believe someone with mental illness is weak or does not have enough willpower to overcome it. Often they do so simply because they realise that the intensity, the “quantity” of it all is far greater than anything someone healthy experiences. It hits you like a sledgehammer and trying to “outtough” it is as absurd as trying to stop a tornado with your fist. But that is only a part of the whole story. The most important thing that I wish people would understand about mental illness is that emotions or character traits that are part of a mental illness are completely separate and different from the normal emotions or traits of said person. The idea that someone melancholic is sad and someone depressed is simply “extra sad” or the idea someone shy is shy but someone with social anxiety is “extra shy” is completely wrong. Mental illnesses are not something normal taken to the extreme. Depression can strike the happiest person in the world, social anxiety the most outgoing person in the world.

Another problem is that separating person and illness is not only hard for an outsider, it is often hard for the affected themselves. I once had a friend explain to me that she didn’t want to get better because she was afraid she would lose herself, her identity. A severe mental illness takes over every part of your life, it overwrites everything you are, rests over you like a veil and only outlines and contours of your true self are visible. And when this lasts for years, you eventually forget how it feels without it and who you are without it. When I had my first better phase since my depression began I noticed myself reverting back to behaviours I had not shown in years, character traits that I believed had gone away simply as time moved on suddenly re-emerged. Experiencing this can be truly frightening but it can also be really important. If you are afraid of what you might become if you get better, remember that you are not your illness. Try to stop associating yourself with it and don’t believe that there is any reason to hold on to it. And if you do get better, you will not lose but in fact rediscover who you are.